Control

I spent most of yesterday struggling. Over analyzing and doubting. Afraid. When I get like that I start to look for confirmation that things are bad. When I left the office I said goodbye to someone. They didn't look up and issued a muffled "umnyeugh" that's what it sounded like anyway. Then I thought "That's it! People barely notice me I'm going to get fired I need a new job."

That swam in my head the whole way home. By the time I got there I was grumpy. I got an email from the school. The boy had been back for a day and a half and had to be issued a behaviour warning for talking during class.

"See things ARE out of control." Walking back after collecting the littler one I intervened to keep him from stepping in dog shit. In doing so my handlebars got stuck in an overgrown hedge and spun catching me in the erm...coin purse.

Let's recap. Work is underwhelming. Child misbehaving, people letting their dog crap on the sidewalk OPPOSITE the dickhead that can't trim a hedge...sore coin purse.

By the time I got home I was foul. I banned the older one from going to hockey practice so I quickly ate and set off with the smaller one.

Waiting for the bus. Watching the people run by in the park. Cars in the street, hockey bags by my feet I suddenly felt this sense of small. It was liberating to say the least. 

None of it mattered. 

The sun in the sky.

The clouds.

The earth spinning around our star all of it hurtling through space and there is no amount of dog shit, lame colleagues or sore balls in the world that matter. Just ride the ride. Control? 

I never had it and I'm ok with that.