Wilderness, hinterlands and the back of beyond - A lifelong obsession with biting off more than I can chew

Long gone Lucas County Diving Pool, Maumee Ohio

Summers were hot in Ohio when I was small. There was no better treat than to go to the Lucas County Rec Center to cool off. It was always crowded. There were pools everywhere but the one that captured my imagination was the diving pool.
There were always lines for the springboards and lower platforms. Only a trickle of people for the 10 meter platform. That is the one that got me the most.
I would sit on the side and watch the brave plunge from it.
One day when I was six I decided to casually go to the bottom of the stairs. There were no signs about age or height. This was the 70s. I found myself going up the stairs. I took a few steps and thought "wow this is high". I wasn't even half way up.
I got to the top. There was a lifeguard on the side.
He looked down at me.
Mouth agape.
"Hey...erm you..."

I ran off the end.

As I fell I could see the sky. The crowds of sunbathers. I was aware the water was coming but it took a lot longer to get to it than I had imagined.
I had just dove head first but by the time I landed I had gone all the way around and landed on my stomach.

Ow.

It hurt like nothing else I had experienced in all of my 6 years but I was over the moon.

They grabbed me and marched me to my Mom who was on her towel having a moments peace.

We were to leave at once and we weren't allowed back until the following year.

All of us.

Everyone was upset but I had done something that no one else (kid or adult) I knew had done.

And Lived.

I think that is where it was born or the first time I can remember being shit scared by something and the feeling of being pulled towards it at the same time.

Like my will was battling my fear.

Internal conflict.

The joy of beating my fear was like nothing I have ever known.

I think it is this impulse that makes endurance sports so appealing to me. The fear and complacency starts as soon as I think of doing it.

Then the leg goes over the top tube and it is like a signal to the side of me I am trying to beat.

"I am in charge and you aren't going to like it"

Indeed the weak side of me does not like it.

Nags at me for the entire time.

But the more I do it, the less I can hear the weak me nagging.

Each time I put a little more distance between the two.

In the moments between there is darkness. The place you have to go when it isn't going to plan. When the doubt and fear can get to you and take over your thoughts.

This is the back of beyond.

The place you only know exists when you exit all that is certain.